Alli (neugotik) wrote,


If doing these things (on the left-hand list), build* feelings of love in a relationship;
does their opposite activity (on the right) destroy a relationship?

how to build or destroy your relationship
how to make your partner love you:                                         how to make your partner hate you:
affection, (kissing, attention, gifts, snuggling, touching, feeling of shared affection - words or touch or mementos can do this; making stuff for each other - also expressed through cute or adoring nicknames, and insider jokes that show your affection and that you remember shared special times together.) being mean &/or being physically distant
sexual fulfillment (2 way physical fulfillment and satisfactions) unfulfillment (lack of sex/ also witholding sex/or sexual rejection)
conversation (talking & listening - being engaged in sharing ideas with each other, hearing and understanding each other: being attentive during time spent together & both starting conversations & listening to the ideas of the other; even if it isn't in your primary areas of interst & contributing ideas or being a "sound board" when able to - sharing your ideas or just talking about fun stuff : movies, games, events, ideas, politics, food, etc) not talking but further: ... (not sharing/not saying 'bye'-'hi'/disinterest in listening, asking a question and then not listening at all to the response - not paying attention & forgetting or ignoring the words exchanged like the conversation didn't happen, because that person was being "self-absorbed" instead of engaged in the conversation at hand. )
honesty (full disclosure of activities, money, plans, answering questions, not witholding information -  honesty is not just "not deceptively lying" it's also just being open about what you do, where you are, where you are going to/going out to do, with whom.. when you can be expected to be home, and : sticking to your word: If you say you'll clean the gutters, or fix the tub, or stay home with the kids on a certain night: ... , you do it, you don't "forget" what you said you would do or schedule over it like it doesn't exist ) lying, (not disclosing information, "none of your business" responses, misleading or dis information, &/or sneaking, "forgetting" to do what you said you would - or saying you will do stuff without any plans to do so.)
domestic support (cleaning around the house - keeping the living environement nice- on a basic level at least cleaning up after yourself: doing your laundry, doing your dishes, doing your own meals...   , on a better level cleaning up after the kids &/or pets: cleaning the pet areas, cleaning up toys, cleaning the kids' rooms ....   & at the best level helping your partner as well by making dinners, cleaning the mutually shared space: floors, dishes, windows, walls, light fixtures, bathrooms, cupboards, fridgerator, watering house plants, doing everyones laundry etc.. ) no cleaning &/or being messy - (sloth-like behavior; contribution to the mess, but not the cleanup - at its worse: making messes and not even cleaning up after yourself or your personal guests/friends... at a medium annoyance: cleaning up after yourself only, but nothing mutual: shared space, floors, fridge, walls, roof, yard, garage, pet zones kids stuff, etc -  but at the worse leaving messes all the time & not even getting to those!)
financial support (paying for stuff:  the house, the bills, the food, the car gas, ++ - the more your partner pays for your cost of living, in due there should be appreciation/feelings of being cared for this way) mooching/financial dependency (partner does not cover your costs of anything - and worse,  does not cover your costs Nor their own costs - so you pay their cost of living plus your own)
admiration/respect (saying and showing you admire them, telling them what you appreciate that they do, letting them know you think they are talented, smart, etc .. telling people they've accomplished a lot, telling people you believe in them and that they can do it, and you know they can, and positive cute nicknames: names of affection, respect & adoration that show what you do well _ "speedy" for a fast runner - or "ace" for a good card player or a sharp thinking; etc) insults/disrespect (on a low level just not saying/sharing  in anyway how you admire the other person, in a more extreme way cutting them down with insults, complaints, nagging, degredation, expressing doubts that they will hit  the goals they share, saying they are a failure in anything "you can't keep the bank account balanced" "you can't keep the house clean"  - even worse when these are lies made up to try to bring the person down.  Then there are names "bitch, idiot, slut, idiot, stupid fucker,"  etc..   then there are indirect names & accusations "your screwed this up" " this garage is a mess because you did not leave me the car" " this broke because you were talking to me, so I dropped it" ... and accusations of false acts " lier" "bully" "theif" "abuser" when they are not real they are illusionary projections designed to cut down & create "anti-respect" I.e. Trying to PULL a Person DOWN via these words/ expressions of doubt / insuations & / blame.)
mutual recreation activities (doing fun stuff together: vacations together, evenings out together, playing games or watching movies at home together, cooking together: doing Stuff together, even meals together) disinterest/lack of mutual activities (solo vacations, not eating with the family at meal time, not doing things at home together, not going out together, never arranging for childcare or weekend events out together)
attractive partner (well groomed: washed, not smelly in any way, combed hair, nice clothes, looks good, not overweight, etc -confident - shoulders and back strait, direct eye contact, head held high, not afraid to speak out/speak up, relaxed confidence not arrogance, just self-respect) lack of self-care (not washing, not grooming, not replacing worn clothes, not keeping fit, not cleaning teeth, etc - also extended to self-abusive habits like drinking, smoking, that not only harm your appearance but also your self-care: sense/expressions of self worth.   I think also emotional ill affects, like groveling, whining, complaining, muttering, acting down & out: Hunching shoulders, looking down, lacking eye contact : not talking or being confident can all be aspects of self-care & attractiveness)

family support (showing an interest in family events, each other's family or kids - if kids, doing activites with the kids & being kind and helpful with the kids - also can extend to pets , showing affection and acknowledgement of each others' pets if they are dogs, cats, lizards, birds, fisH: this can build feelings of familial support - not just kids, but if there are kids in the picture, this has a weighty effect) non-activity with kids/family/pets eve - (avoiding family events such as reunions, family dinners or visits, &/or not helping with the kids; such as homework, playtime, care, routines, not eating together .. and with pets, not going for the walks, not cleaning their areas - not feeding or watering them, at a  word, apathy - and further, inaction/lack of involvement with those who are considered "family" and "loved ones" - this creates a gapping distance - a crevas of separation where one person loves someone/ or a pet and the other person seems "uninvolved"  - "Minimally involved" or - "Invovled but complaining about it at every turn, every time they have to do something")

*as illustrated in "his needs her needs"
Tags: family

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