Alli (neugotik) wrote,
Alli
neugotik

  • Music:
I miss you Pete; this time of year has become a bit hard on me, emotionally - from new year's on i have to work hard to keep myself together, mentally & emotionally. I'm trying not to fall into feeling sorry for myself/lost times I had hoped to spend with you - another 60 + years together that didn't happen; I think dwelling on that is a waste of my time & a discredit to so much of what you talked about & believed in & expressed to me over so many conversations. Sometimes it's hard to not feel listless or pointless. Like, there was a retirement celebration going on, on Friday at work near my desk & I was thinking"retirement - what's the point, but there is a point, but what's the celebration for? is it freedom, no.. is it the start of the ending? no, maybe, kinda. Right now - someone's retiring: they're entering this different phase of life. Someone else is being born. Someone else is dying. Right now. Why try? What - to get from here to there? That's no goal. That's depressing" then I thought "but it's not about that at all... it's what are you doing right now? I mean - I can still make some amazing & wonderful differences in other people's lives. And my connection to them, these people I know? No - I'm thinking of all those strangers I run into - affect , interact with, or never see, but I can change their life for the better or I may not - what would that void do in their life, nothing? Something amazing? Or is the amazing from all the positive interactions - Yes, yes to people I know too - my family, my friends: but that is more obvious in some ways - when you open that door to trust someone, you say "it's ok for you to affect my life : I want you to be on this journey with me" - but those others - the eye contact & meaningful exchange with someone I don't know. The shared words that make our day better, that let people know you know they exist & they're worthwhile, that they're on a meaningful journey. " I donno. Since then. and throughout the last two years, I've just been really thinking a lot about the "now" the meaning of "authentic" & the impact of each word, action, effort.. that it is the efforts & the community of existence that really makes living worth it. I know these teen who's started cutting herself I guess - someone told me. & she didn't. But she looks up to me - and appreciates talking about music with me. I don't know what to do - I mean, how can we convey meaningfulness - the will to have a meaningful life, the desire to be authentic & real with others - can that be enough? Why would someone, someone 14, want to hurt herself? but just like joy - sadness and anguish & anger and loss are all happening to. I wonder should I write her a letter? (she doesn't live nearby & I only see her a couple times a year) - what would I say? I think - should I send her a book, like Frankle's "will to meaning" which has helped me when I am emotionally overwhelmed, seeking some meaning to it? Should I do both - really - i can't send a book like that without a letter. But there's so much to say, so much to hope for, and it's so hard to convey. Yet I want to convey it - to her & to others who suffer worry, cry, are frustrated with life or the atrocities of the world: but these people, they're not meaningless at all: they want something to change, to improve, and perhaps this is what drives them to even more emotional anger or sadness then many who seem to be "more productive in society" I mean, forget that label: forget labels. Forget whether others think of you or anyone as meaningful or good or engaged, What do you think of yourself, what is it that makes you think an action is worth the effort - what makes you follow through? What brings hope & trust to people, what helps them connect to anything meaningful; maybe it isn't even hope: maybe it's just one person they care for: a kid they know; a neighbor they talk to , a stranger they help out & never ask for a connection again. I've lost my train of thought within this a long time ago, many times, and not yet. I am taking it somewhere, but I haven't gotten there yet. I'm going to have to do more for people, and I want to be more authentic - we don't really choose who we cross paths with : yet we do cross paths, or even share paths of existence. How can I make those interactions .. what? Something real, I guess - and not take them for granted. Not take a smile for granted. Not take the effort to reach out & touch someone for granted - to hold their shoulder to help them stabilize a step down a curb - to hug people whenever I feel like it is welcome, to be not afraid to lean my head on the shoulder of a friend while sharing laughter - to be not afraid to hold someone's hand when they reach out.

"Hold Me" some lyrics

I am terrified of all things.
Frightened of the dark.
I am.
You are taller than a mountain.
Deeper than the sea.
You are.

Hold me.
Hold me.
Take me with you 'cause I'm lonely.


---------

"My Best Friend" lyrics

When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue

You are such a blessing and I wont be messing
with the one thing that brings light to all my darkness

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
'Cause I speak sincerely
and I mean it when I tell you that I need you

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

I'm here right beside you
I will never leave you
and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do



I miss talking with you Pete: I do , so often I can't count the times, everything that happens has a consequence, and affect - if it doesn't happen the affect isn't gone, it's just different: there is still an affect. You stated how we exist in others just as real as how we exists inside ourselves. It's a hard concept to really give into, but I know somewhere somehow, that it is also simply true. I keep talking to you Pete even though I really don't know if how you could hear me my ideas my expressions I send out into the world kinda aimlessly not aimed, but thinking of you, see? Ha. You'd be laughing at me now, and we'd both start laughing if we were on the phone - in person, well, we might've just grinned stupidly. You're an awesome brother man, forever. Love, ~your sis alli.
Tags: ideas, love, meaning
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