Alli (neugotik) wrote,

  • Music:

why can't I happily wear a fitted shirt, you know: in my size. I just want to wear tanks for summer!

ok, so I got some nice, solid, athletic REI tank tops. I figured: these are respectable. These I can wear in the summer without shirking & covering myself.

So far, I have worn tanks uncovered a few times, but I carry (and often don) a close by cover shirt or hoodie.

I mean, I don't know if the problem is me, or my body. I put on these nice, respectable tank tops, and I feel like I'm making them, well. slutty. I have, I must admit, crazy huge cleavage. And, I don't like it. I never have, it's annoying and it makes people (mostly women, to be truthful) glare at me in that "you harlot" way . Geesh. I am really, honestly, just trying to be comfortable and wear a freaking tank top that doesn't fit me like a loose brown bag.

Ok. SO, maybe it's not my insane cleavage bringing even the respectable, athletic, classy REI style tops down, down, down... into the depths of hookerdom-sluttiness.

But hey, Maybe, it's simply my perspective.

Perhaps I've worn baggy clothes, for so freaking long, that now that i am trying to wear something in my size, that actually fits, I feel totally exposed.

I have worn baggy clothes since high school. In highschool, when I was a totally reasonable 117-125 lbs, I would take my oversized t-shirts, and stretch them over my knees - to hide my breasts better. I would, and still do, wear tight-fitted flattening exercise bras. I design my outfits to hide my chest: I button across the chest only, flattening the look, I obscure, I wear dark on top - I do everything I can (almost always) to hide my chest. It's just such a.. um. annoyance: that's the word. People STARE.

People accuse me of throwing my chest "out there" of "enhancing the cleavage view" Of "showing off" - um,

_ NOPE : I've tried very hard to hide it. Really hard: I've flattened, obscured, laid low, worn misfitting clothes. You have no idea.

So, maybe it's both: I'm huge and I can't wear normal clothes. Which is craptacular and makes me want surgery to remove my stupid breasts (yes, I've gotten quotes on breast reduction, it's very expensive) and .. I'm so used to hiding my body that even though I know I look worse wearing baggy hanging clothes, it's really difficult to break the pattern, and perhaps I'm just really overblowing this in my mind.

For now, I will attempt to keep wearing light-weight fitted tops for summer, and have a cover on my elbow for quick hiding whenever I feel the need. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I don't, honestly, think anyone pays attention to me or my dressing dilemmas, or cleavage. But, I can't help notice it myself, plus the few (but heart-stabbing) evil stares I get when I wear tank tops. Gah.

"why should i believe me i’ll write about anything that my mine stumbles upon the sounds the smells Mount Pisquah’s outline why haven’t i seen you in 4 years in 3 years and a half do i believe that is lasts forever words and moments they are in my hearts and in my pocket with my cared they are tearing a hole so big i fear they might fall out some are broken some are random some are ransom some are weak some get handled some go crazy and some will kick your ass cuz your a freak" - outtake of 'Memory' by Kaia
Tags: fitness, ideas, psychology
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