But ultimately I end up feeling guilty I even am frustrated because I know my life's walls are small and not scary unlike many other people's frustrations - I feel mine are shallow and in all, something I shouldn't even complain about.
I keep trying even though my goals seem to evade me like tracking a shadow of movement I can only see in my peripheral view my hopes are scattered ghosts and shadows - my path is clear but winding - my way is not hard, but my end-goals are not in sight & in fact I just look up and usually there's a bend in the path right in front of me that's so abrupt I have no idea even what the short-term looks like.
It's like I'm hiking a path - it's not washed out - it's a relatively flat dirt path through a forest, no apparent danger although there is perhaps further from the path, a wanton cliff, a loose boulder, a dangerous animal -- I feel hopeful the path will break open into a rewarding meadow or placid lake soon -or perhaps crest at a ridge of a mountain with a rewarding view: I've been on it for quite sometime without change or big reward (same job, no relationship, same weight, same education, same debts, my goals elude fulfillment) - I look up constantly hopeful to see something inspiring but nothing big emerges & I content myself to amaze in the (virtual) tiny wildflowers, the hidden wild mushrooms, the quite bird watching or the dappling of shadowy leaves and sunshine - tiny rewards right now are my big rewards.
I feel relieved I can walk this path feeling equipped to hold my own - my education, my physical health, my family and my friends & my career are good solid things which bolster my self-esteem despite the numerous unknowns in my short & long term future.
I wonder if I'm not enjoying my life in the now enough - but I think I do. I just also constantly look to the future - to ensure the path isn't taking a dangerous turn - otherwise, hey, everyone's walking a path & I doubt very many people at all feel their future is some clear known direction where they feel they can see 1 or 5 years out - we can imagine that far out - but how many can look up and see and feel it's securely there for them? Very few I expect - and I'm grateful I'm not in a rut or fallen off the analogy of my life's path - despite my slow meandering progress and lack of view, I feel I'm on a okay path, and thus can safely lead those who travel with me (my kids) and build their awareness of the now - the virtual view around us is good.
I just have to keep my chin up.