Alli (neugotik) wrote,
Alli
neugotik

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just keep trying, keep going.

Life is perplexing. I feel frustrated by walls I walk up to in my goals and hopes and journey and I am mad the virtual wall is there - and yet I know it's not my wall - I try to go around it or find another way on my path - muttering about illogical people, wondering about intentions, how come some people use other people, how come people run when they get close, how come others don't, how come people don't actually state what they think, how everything works, the cogs in the system, the gears, levers and even more ethereal elusive systems - I'll compare those to string theory physics, and the wonders of protein folding - it's all there and I wonder and walk, and try to go forward and try not to get off-path & circle back unnecessarily.

But ultimately I end up feeling guilty I even am frustrated because I know my life's walls are small and not scary unlike many other people's frustrations - I feel mine are shallow and in all, something I shouldn't even complain about.

I keep trying even though my goals seem to evade me like tracking a shadow of movement I can only see in my peripheral view my hopes are scattered ghosts and shadows - my path is clear but winding - my way is not hard, but my end-goals are not in sight & in fact I just look up and usually there's a bend in the path right in front of me that's so abrupt I have no idea even what the short-term looks like.

It's like I'm hiking a path - it's not washed out - it's a relatively flat dirt path through a forest, no apparent danger although there is perhaps further from the path, a wanton cliff, a loose boulder, a dangerous animal -- I feel hopeful the path will break open into a rewarding meadow or placid lake soon -or perhaps crest at a ridge of a mountain with a rewarding view: I've been on it for quite sometime without change or big reward (same job, no relationship, same weight, same education, same debts, my goals elude fulfillment) - I look up constantly hopeful to see something inspiring but nothing big emerges & I content myself to amaze in the (virtual) tiny wildflowers, the hidden wild mushrooms, the quite bird watching or the dappling of shadowy leaves and sunshine - tiny rewards right now are my big rewards.

I feel relieved I can walk this path feeling equipped to hold my own - my education, my physical health, my family and my friends & my career are good solid things which bolster my self-esteem despite the numerous unknowns in my short & long term future.

I wonder if I'm not enjoying my life in the now enough - but I think I do. I just also constantly look to the future - to ensure the path isn't taking a dangerous turn - otherwise, hey, everyone's walking a path & I doubt very many people at all feel their future is some clear known direction where they feel they can see 1 or 5 years out - we can imagine that far out - but how many can look up and see and feel it's securely there for them? Very few I expect - and I'm grateful I'm not in a rut or fallen off the analogy of my life's path - despite my slow meandering progress and lack of view, I feel I'm on a okay path, and thus can safely lead those who travel with me (my kids) and build their awareness of the now - the virtual view around us is good.

I just have to keep my chin up.
Tags: analogy, goals, ideas, pschology
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